Today I got two messages. Both of them from different aspects of my life. But both telling me how to live it.


Now, being an adult and semi aware of the world around me, I understand that being open, vulnerable and honest...makes people cringe. It makes them uncomfortable, and often it makes them angry. When you're truly free with your life story, sometimes that doesn't sit well with the characters in your story. Gawd knows I'd be horrified to see my role in some people's lives written out for the world to see. That's why I don't mention names of the people whom have done wrong to me. With the exception of one. Because it was important to me for the world to know he is dangerous. Instead, I try to acknowledge the people who I have done wrong to. Who deserve an apology.

2016 has been that "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" kinda year.🚪(Bye, Felicia!) For not just me, but a lot of people. I lost tons more friends, finally got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, removed even family from my life, and struggled to make it "alone" without all these people🌌. BUT it was also the year I found myself, truly. The year I made new, flexible friends. Cut my anxiety down by about 1000 points. Don't ask me how many points there are total...all I know is I'm lighter. Freer. Happier. 🌄

I rode horses🐴 and hung out with dogs.🐶 All without the guilt and worry that I wasn't doing what I was "supposed" to be doing.🤖 I became ok with the fact that I don't miss kids, oil workers and being told who I was, wasn't good enough. Then being lured back in with fading words of a soul who was too afraid to be alone to just let me go. I'm talking about more than just a spouse, there were many of these hearts trying to "help", in all the wrong ways, for me. They didn't understand my soul is not their soul.🔮 And that's ok. Sometimes it's ok to just not understand each other.

I finally reported my abuser to the authorities,🚔 so they could do, or not do, what they felt was right. And lifted the responsibility and anger from my own shoulders. I started to move past this trauma, at my own damn pace instead of being rushed by those who just wanted me to "get over it".😒 This is my life, not theirs. I heal on my own terms, not yours.

As I look back I realize this year has been about tearing down, and rebuilding.🛠 Fixing what needed fixing. It was about plans and schedules and routines.📋 Creating better habits. Releasing my terrible reactions, and gaining control of my emotions.✌🏼️ Which was needed.

But this year, I'm going to give myself a break. I'm gonna wing it.🎉 I'm gonna stop trying to fix, and just accept. Stop trying to be normal and find the weird and wonderful.🦄 The ones who really are completely themselves. I'm tired of those who talk the talk, but never walk the walk. So if you see me walking out, it's likely because I've decided to take my own advice, and stop talking.🤐🚶

I continue to wish you all love,💜 light,✨ happiness,😃 and as always, a second round of love💞...as you navigate your own lives, in your own beautiful way. Don't ever let anyone tell you the grass is greener,🌱 cause I promise you the flowers off the path...they're blue and yellow and purple and green.💐 And they accept you, just as you are.

To a blessed 2017 💫

Do what ya gotta do-Garth Brooks
I heard this song almost a year ago, randomly on the radio after many years, and it inspired this entire blog. Now, with Garth coming back, and scoring tickets to the show...I'm finally brave enough to post the blog that has been rustling within me for a very long time...I wrote it a year ago.

"Feelings buried alive, never die."

All this talk over the years about "don't care what other people think! Be yourself!" has been a lie. At least that's what I'm being told these days. Instead I'm being told to stuff it, shut up. And most importantly keep it off social media.

It took me a few days to figure out why. It wasn't because "Facebook was an inappropriate place" to discuss my sexual violations, it was because they were embarrassed that what happened to me as a kid, under their roof, might reflect poorly on them as family. Or that someone might assume as to "who it was". The truth?

My step brother sexually violated me as a kid. There was some heated comments about word usage here.

So here's the definitions for clarifications sake (and I assure you both are accurate definitions in my case):

Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration perpetrated against a person without that person's consent.

Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is forcing undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. When that force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The offender is referred to as a sexual abuser or (often pejoratively) molester.

And I don't believe he's stopped for a second.

So, about three years ago I finally got the courage to tell the family and "out" him as the pedophile I believed him to still be.

Again, the definition for clarification is:

Pedophilia or paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children, generally age 11 years or younger.

Psychiatric. That means they don't get better without help. They don't just stop.

So I confronted my step "brother" and his reaction was to turtle. I gave him the option of seeking help, with the family's support, or I would begin writing letters. He chose the latter. So I began writing letters to his school (yes he's a teacher) and to the local police services. All were very thankful for the information, as they would have a nice red flag if anyone else came forward about him. I also began to hear stories of at least a half dozen more he did this to, including into his adult years.

The family was initially very supportive of me. One counselling session (which the whole family except one attended) was seen as good enough. Time to sweep this under the rug. With the exceptions of my grandparents (may the universe bless them) and my biological brother, everyone else continued to have a relationship with the perpetrator without his seeking intense therapy for his disorder.

This leads us to the place where I wanted to share my trauma by expressing that I had been a victim of sexual violations also, in a random Facebook post. All hell broke loose.

How dare I? Facebook was not the place! How could I reach out to others in such a public fashion? What nerve I had to share my story. Sounds kinda stupid when you put it that way doesn't it?

In the end, I chose to take the post down with the notion that if I deleted my personal story, they must delete him from their lives until he got help. Not forever, but until he got serious, intense help.

I didn't get supported. Instead, I basically got outted from the family. I tried to tell them to get real. This was the decision? That because of a few personal words I put on Facebook I was out? But they would continue to have a relationship with a molester? It still doesn't make sense in my head. In essence, I was told to just be quiet about it. Move on.

That's victim shaming at it's finest.

Victim shaming definition:

There isn't one. So I made mine up. When people shame people who are the victims of a crime, into silence in public forums because of how others might perceive their story.

This is how I'm moving on. Thank you to the dozens of people who sent messages of "me too". And the one person, because of my story, who had the courage to face their own family member. You're all brave and worthy. Your stories are allowed to be heard for as long as you need to heal. And to connect to others because of it. Don't you dare stay silent for the sake of a few. You may help hundreds.

My family are not bad people. They are just hurt, embarrassed and unsure how to cope themselves. I love them, but for my mental health, this is important too. I know that with this story I may lose more family, maybe some friends. But if blood is thicker than water, LOVE is thicker than blood. And those who stand beside me are the warriors I want in my corner anyways.

May you all find peace and love in whatever your struggle is.

Looking for results with your dog?

Listen up.

I've shared versions of this before, and I feel like it's important to continue to do so. Until we stop putting ourselves on top of the food chain, we will never become apart of nature. I'm not suggesting that we all become vegans and dance wildly in the trees. The dancing part does sound pretty fun though! What I am suggesting, however, is that we could all benefit from placing ego on the sidelines and making an effort to say more things like: "I'm sorry" "I miss you" "I love you" "I was wrong" "how can I fix it".

I've had to do a lot of this in the recent past. So many times I was quick to anger because my ego told me that my early experiences were being played out in my current experience. I wasn't able to see beyond the habits and encounters that created my current mindset. I was misplacing the effects of a completely different time and place, on the present moment. This caused me to lash out in fear, frustration and what I now know was also confusion. My instincts knew that it wasn't right, but I couldn't stop it. I was watching myself lose control, but my brain was in panic mode and self preservation was all that mattered. Ego was all that mattered.

I also held onto grudges like they were my last bit of control over someone whom I had no right to even be considering as responsible for any part of my happiness. I was solely responsible for my own happiness, and I just had to get moving on ways to beat my brain at its own game. So I did. I buckled down and I fought like my life depended on it. Because it did. And I began to forgive.

I forgave my "enemies". I forgave my "friends". But most importantly, I forgave my past. I forgave those whom I had blamed and begrudged for all those years. Years of telling myself I wasn't good enough, and years of hiding behind the pain that those moments brought me. I released my burden of self criticism and fully embraced the wild calling in my soul to start living how I alone saw fit. No one was going to judge me on my day's end except my own regrets and should haves.

I started to find ways that I might be able to help others, who felt like I did. These "ways" are not big, grand endeavours that touch the whole, wide world...No. They are small acts. Words of advice. Dog courses. They are displays of service within my own small world.

I think that's where it starts. In our backyards and communities. Trying to make a difference and be a good person to those around us. Maybe inspiring them to do the same. Because trying to change the whole world is a daunting task when looked at from our tiny place on this planet. So starting small, we start to see the ripple effects of one small act of kindness. One word of comfort given in a time of grief or sadness. A door, hand or trust held within a moment of need. Telling someone "look at you go, you're doing a great job". Or "I see your struggle, I feel your pain...but you got this". Reminding others they are not alone. We have their back. When we perform these things for others, we also give back to ourselves tenfold.

I didn't come up with these concepts. They've always been there, it just took awhile for me to see them. I meditated, drew cards, worked with crystals, sought out the wisdom of counsellors and therapists. And I surrounded myself with soul sisters. Other deeply grounded individuals who were not afraid to admit the mistakes of being human, find truths in a corrupt society, and who let go of ego.

All of this ultimately made me a better human, but also a better dog handler. Because all of this, also applies to your relationship with your dog. Letting go of ego, and embracing the pure, unfiltered spirit of nature will foster a bond that you never thought possible. Putting frustration and anger in its place will force you to replace those emotions with patience and compassion. Looking at the whole picture generates a new perspective of where your dog is coming from, and in what areas you need to work on first. Maybe taking two steps back, creates the foundation you needed to fix the initial issue. But what will happen for sure by putting ego on a back burner and relying instead on integrity and tolerance, is it will build trust and harmony. Which ultimately leads to results.

Which is what the ego wanted in the first place.

I've always loved Halloween the most of all the holidays. I suppose it's because I could be anyone, or anything I wanted for but a moment in time. For someone who used to always look for belonging and acceptance, Halloween provided a time to do just that. We were all freaks and weirdos on this day.

This Halloween was a bit different.

I messed up. Bad. I messed up so badly that I cost my boss and his family $15,000. I put a cow's milk into the tank that was supposed to be separated, and that caused a fine of $15,000 for a first time offence. First time in 15 years of milking. Ouch. I can't even begin to explain how sick this made me feel. When I mess up in my own business with dogs, I have no one to answer to but myself. I think you can imagine the amount of "oh my gawds" and "how did I miss thats" that went through my head. But all that didn't matter, because it happened and there were consequences.

Now, that being said, I still have my job. I believe that personally this is because of three things:
1. I was honest in admitting I forgot about the second of two cows that needed separating.
2. I didn't shrug it off. I was extremely apologetic and knew exactly how big of a mistake this was.
3. I was it. The training was put in, and there was no one else readily available for the job.

Boy, am I grateful for number three. More than grateful for number three, I'm grateful for such kind, understanding and rational people to be employed under. I've learned SO much about how to treat others from this family. Were they choked? Yes. Were they likely a little angry? Absolutely. But they are also forgiving, graceful and humbling to be around.

This job has taught me many lessons on patience, hard work and commitment. But today, it taught me the biggest lesson in life: love. Whether or not my boss realizes this, what he displayed was a big, fat display of love. He's shown an enormous amount of love by handling the situation with stoicism and mercy. In fact, after a long shift of making sure I did everything EXACTLY right, he handed me a bag of candy, and cheerfully exclaimed, Happy Halloween!

This is the kind of person I am working towards becoming. One who looks past the details of a situation, and looks at the big picture. Who can see the forest for the trees. Someone who doesn't get caught up in emotions, and can come to a rational discussion before addressing an issue.

This job has taught me much more than how to a milk a cow. It's taught me how to be a better human being.

The Universe never fails. Please know this. It never fails.

Following the separation from my significant other and having to face the world alone, it was becoming harder and harder to remember why I do what I do. I had to get a second job, milking cows, and I was desperately afraid that my dream job of working with dogs was going to fall out of my grasp. Working dogs became a sad time for me as I struggled to stay on top of the canine world. Instead of being grateful while I was on the field, I was constantly worrying about it slipping away from me at any moment. I even came to a place where I was thinking about throwing in the proverbial towel and getting a "real" job. That was, after all, what I had been told to do for years by those who didn't get that dogs were real to me. I felt them in every bone in my body.

Then, CTV called. They wanted to do a segment on me. They wanted to feature my dogs, my hard work. My passion. Message received, Universe.

They say that when you stray from your path, you will always find a way back. I can tell you with the utmost certainty, this is true. The divine energy out there knows exactly what it is that your soul longs for. It knows your destiny, and it has no qualms about shoving you right back onto the track that leads you back to a passion that has been the centre of your being for eons. You will continue to trip, if you don't heed her calling.

The day of my interview with this tv station, I went to my secondary job and was overcome with all sorts of emotions. I literally could not keep it together. I cried and cried while cleaning stalls and sorting dairy cows. Finally, my boss sent me home, reassuring me that these days happen and that it was more important to face the music, than tune it out.

I had worked so hard over the last few years to pick myself up off the ground, from my destruction, and gain control over my emotions and my reactions.

So I drug myself out of the barn, distraught and confused. How had such a great moment, become such a devastating place to end up emotionally? Well, I dissected it to the point of damn near boring my Mother to death. But I get it now. I had answered some questions for "society's sake" instead of for the truth in my soul. Which I'm ok with. It needed to stay light, and showcase my abilities instead of my tragedy. And I realized that a lot of those overwhelming feelings inside that barn came from a place of deep gratitude, versus a feeling of failure. I had convinced myself that a second job meant failure. That I wasn't good enough for my talents to carry me through life. Instead, I became deeply thankful for the opportunity to work for such amazing neighbours. This second job, it gives me the ability to financially keep my lifestyle, while still being able to pursue and maintain my passion for working with dogs. It's not a failure, it's a blessing. And past that blessing, it's an opportunity to learn how to handle employees with dignity, respect and compassion. Things I've been shown multiple times already in the short time of my employment with Van Der Gun Dairy. They are the epitome of working your tail off, sticking to your guns and having all that you dreamed of. If you're brave enough.

So I hope to continue learning lessons of kindness, hard work and commitment through not only the dairy world, but also from facing that music. And rocking out to the harmony of my soul. The calling...the mournful yet beautiful call of the wild...the howl in the wind, of the wild canines of this world. Dogs. Always dogs.