I've always loved Halloween the most of all the holidays. I suppose it's because I could be anyone, or anything I wanted for but a moment in time. For someone who used to always look for belonging and acceptance, Halloween provided a time to do just that. We were all freaks and weirdos on this day.

This Halloween was a bit different.

I messed up. Bad. I messed up so badly that I cost my boss and his family $15,000. I put a cow's milk into the tank that was supposed to be separated, and that caused a fine of $15,000 for a first time offence. First time in 15 years of milking. Ouch. I can't even begin to explain how sick this made me feel. When I mess up in my own business with dogs, I have no one to answer to but myself. I think you can imagine the amount of "oh my gawds" and "how did I miss thats" that went through my head. But all that didn't matter, because it happened and there were consequences.

Now, that being said, I still have my job. I believe that personally this is because of three things:
1. I was honest in admitting I forgot about the second of two cows that needed separating.
2. I didn't shrug it off. I was extremely apologetic and knew exactly how big of a mistake this was.
3. I was it. The training was put in, and there was no one else readily available for the job.

Boy, am I grateful for number three. More than grateful for number three, I'm grateful for such kind, understanding and rational people to be employed under. I've learned SO much about how to treat others from this family. Were they choked? Yes. Were they likely a little angry? Absolutely. But they are also forgiving, graceful and humbling to be around.

This job has taught me many lessons on patience, hard work and commitment. But today, it taught me the biggest lesson in life: love. Whether or not my boss realizes this, what he displayed was a big, fat display of love. He's shown an enormous amount of love by handling the situation with stoicism and mercy. In fact, after a long shift of making sure I did everything EXACTLY right, he handed me a bag of candy, and cheerfully exclaimed, Happy Halloween!

This is the kind of person I am working towards becoming. One who looks past the details of a situation, and looks at the big picture. Who can see the forest for the trees. Someone who doesn't get caught up in emotions, and can come to a rational discussion before addressing an issue.

This job has taught me much more than how to a milk a cow. It's taught me how to be a better human being.

The Universe never fails. Please know this. It never fails.

Following the separation from my significant other and having to face the world alone, it was becoming harder and harder to remember why I do what I do. I had to get a second job, milking cows, and I was desperately afraid that my dream job of working with dogs was going to fall out of my grasp. Working dogs became a sad time for me as I struggled to stay on top of the canine world. Instead of being grateful while I was on the field, I was constantly worrying about it slipping away from me at any moment. I even came to a place where I was thinking about throwing in the proverbial towel and getting a "real" job. That was, after all, what I had been told to do for years by those who didn't get that dogs were real to me. I felt them in every bone in my body.

Then, CTV called. They wanted to do a segment on me. They wanted to feature my dogs, my hard work. My passion. Message received, Universe.

They say that when you stray from your path, you will always find a way back. I can tell you with the utmost certainty, this is true. The divine energy out there knows exactly what it is that your soul longs for. It knows your destiny, and it has no qualms about shoving you right back onto the track that leads you back to a passion that has been the centre of your being for eons. You will continue to trip, if you don't heed her calling.

The day of my interview with this tv station, I went to my secondary job and was overcome with all sorts of emotions. I literally could not keep it together. I cried and cried while cleaning stalls and sorting dairy cows. Finally, my boss sent me home, reassuring me that these days happen and that it was more important to face the music, than tune it out.

I had worked so hard over the last few years to pick myself up off the ground, from my destruction, and gain control over my emotions and my reactions.

So I drug myself out of the barn, distraught and confused. How had such a great moment, become such a devastating place to end up emotionally? Well, I dissected it to the point of damn near boring my Mother to death. But I get it now. I had answered some questions for "society's sake" instead of for the truth in my soul. Which I'm ok with. It needed to stay light, and showcase my abilities instead of my tragedy. And I realized that a lot of those overwhelming feelings inside that barn came from a place of deep gratitude, versus a feeling of failure. I had convinced myself that a second job meant failure. That I wasn't good enough for my talents to carry me through life. Instead, I became deeply thankful for the opportunity to work for such amazing neighbours. This second job, it gives me the ability to financially keep my lifestyle, while still being able to pursue and maintain my passion for working with dogs. It's not a failure, it's a blessing. And past that blessing, it's an opportunity to learn how to handle employees with dignity, respect and compassion. Things I've been shown multiple times already in the short time of my employment with Van Der Gun Dairy. They are the epitome of working your tail off, sticking to your guns and having all that you dreamed of. If you're brave enough.

So I hope to continue learning lessons of kindness, hard work and commitment through not only the dairy world, but also from facing that music. And rocking out to the harmony of my soul. The calling...the mournful yet beautiful call of the wild...the howl in the wind, of the wild canines of this world. Dogs. Always dogs.

Days like today I feel defeated. Worn out. Like everything I worked so hard for, is at the end of its rope. I could lose it at anytime.

We've been told to look for the positive. But it's so hard when life has conditioned us to prepare for the worst. And everywhere I look, it's the negative that's getting attention.

Montreal. Southern Politics. Our politics for that matter. Climate crisis' all over the world.

When are we going to start covering the positive? Why do we have to search into the news ourselves to find the good?

Maybe then it would be easier to stay enlightened and upward looking. So it's days like today that I try to dig deep into my tool box from all the courses and counselling that's I've taken, and remind myself of what is truly important in life. What really, deeply matter to me. Because that's all we have in this life. Ourselves, and our thoughts. It's what makes us human. Our thoughts. And the idea that at the end of the day, we are alone.

The animals don't think this way. They survive only on instinct and pack mentalities. They don't question who their best friend is, and they rarely lose family members. They don't worry about fitting into society, and they don't ever intentionally hurt another's feelings. They simply accept the situation for exactly what it is. They live based around their set of circumstances. They need one another, so "arguments" are quick and never out of spite or ego.

See that's why I want to come back as a raven. Or a wolf. Something spiritually higher than we humans are. My dream has always been to live simply, surrounded by loves ones. But I've been plagued all my life by needless emotions and feelings. For some reason, I seem to experience them more intensely. And react often out of confusion and fear, rather than of pure acceptance and love. My brain kicks in before I have a chance to react from a survival, and best for the pack mentality. And instead, I find myself protecting my own feelings, at whatever cost. A huge cost actually. My friends. My family. My sanity. Saving myself becomes all that matters in the moment.

There's been a large shift in my life. I've had to learn how to make it out there on my own, both emotionally and financially. And what I've come to discover, is that the "only ourselves" conversation, is a lie. We may not need them, but we want others. We convince ourselves we don't, to save our hearts the pain. We tell ourselves that in the end, only we matter. But the truth is, we all matter. And I need to start finding a better way to communicate those feelings.

I've spent the better part of a year alone. Working on myself. Loving myself. I'm lonely now. And I want a family. Maybe that's a family of two, maybe it's a family of five. All I know, is I am ready to incorporate others into my life, and not destroy them this time. I'm ready to stop lying to myself, and admit that I want others. I still maintain we don't need others, but I want them. I want to come home to just that-a home. Not an empty house that I pay taxes on the empty rooms. I want those rooms to be filled with laughter and love. I want disagreements to be present, because it reminds me that I'm not alone. And that that person has feelings, thoughts and emotions all of their own. And that those things are all good. Because it means we are loved back. I want to smile at the frustration, seeing that it means we don't have to struggle alone. I want to laugh at the little things we once thought were big things. And I want to engage in a real, honest relationship.

Screw being alone. I've been there, done it, rocked it. Time to find the connection that blows my mind and changes my world. I'm here. I'm ready. Let's get this done.