Was chatting with a friend and we got to talking about the effects we allow others to have on us. Because that's it, isn't it? People can't bother us, unless we let them. So how do we let them bother us? We figured it was by how much access we allow them in our lives.

The analogy was that our lives were like a series of circles around a core, getting bigger on the outside as we extended our group of those we associated with. This analogy has been around for forever, pertaining to a number of topics and looks like this:

Those we keep in our inner circle are the ones we trust the most. The ones we talk to most often, and whom we share our most intimate moments and thoughts with. They're also the ones who can hurt us the most, but we believe won't. The middle circles are our friends and acquaintances that we still hang out with, chat with...but we maybe don't divulge anything we consider that serious and personal. And as we reach the outer circles, these are the people we just know on the fly. Maybe Facebook friends we've never met, or old friends from whom we've grown away from. Some of them are also people who we once did trust, including family, that we now keep on the farthest reaches of our lives. At an arms length, so to speak.

So when they do or say something that offends, frightens or angers us, they create a ripple in our lives. Those closest to us, create the most waves and we feel the effects of their ripples most strongly because they are close enough that we get splashed onto. But those on the outer limits, have a far less impact. By the time their ripples reach us, it may be enough to rock the boat, but rarely will it tip us over. We can usually sail right through these waves and not give it much thought.

All my life, until recently, I kept everyone on the outer circles. That way, nothing could get to me. But, as I started to find like-minded people, I began to allow people into the closer circles. This created chaos. I wasn't mentally or emotionally strong enough, so handle their waves. They tossed me over board, every single time.

I would react so strongly, that my waves affected everyone around me, even those who kept me on their outer edges.

So I started to help myself. I took course after course. Saw counsellor after counsellor. And slowly, it began to settle. I lost a lot of people overboard along the way, but I kept a couple experts who rode the hell outta the waves like a champion surfer. And I began to find a balance of where to keep people in my life, and how to react...better. Less monsoon like. Less tidal wavey.

This balance has brought around a sense of peace. I'm still working on things, and I know it'll be a work in progress for likely my lifetime, but I'm here. Finding a calm amidst the storm.

Well, today I ride alone in human spirit terms. Just me, the animals and my tree of life. It's fitting because this has become my greatest lesson in living-riding through life alone. Although I am grateful for those still in my life...it hasn't come without great loss. Learning you can't trust everyone, and sometimes those who seem to be your soul mates, friendship or relationship wise, aren't always. Sometimes they're just too kind to let you know that they are quietly slipping out of your life. Maybe they don't even know it themselves yet. But I've finally come to a place where I am ok with this. I'm ok being alone. I don't need people...there are just some that I want. And for now, some of them want me back.
I no longer wish to barter and beg for those whom the Universe says don't align with my soul. I am now searching for the truth seekers...the ones brave enough to stand in their power and proclaim to the world that they are enough. The ones who don't fit in...who will never fit in because we are cut from a new cloth. No, an old cloth. A cloth that revels in the mystery of the night sky, and hears their calling in the trees and on the winds of change. Those whose glory comes from lifting others up, and quietly understands that we are here to give. We are here to love. And we are here to be the change. The ones who are still reading this testimony from a place in me, that sees that same place in you. One who honours nature, and their beliefs, before the beliefs of society. Who is not afraid to stand up alone, for what is right.
I've made A LOT of mistakes on my journey of change. I've hurt people, and destroyed others. I lost everything that was once dear to me, to learn these truths about myself. I've failed so many times at life, and relationships...all so I could learn the lessons I needed to in order to stand in my own power and no longer deny the side of me that wants to howl at the moon and race the rivers. Who walks barefoot through the forest, just to feel alive again.
One day I will find not the other half, because no, I am whole. But the one who compliments my need for all things wild and free. The one who will sit in a tree with me, and dance in the rain. Who hears the song in my heart, and knows all the words, because it's the song in their heart too.

I took another walk in nature today and I asked for answers in the trees. I sat, barefoot, and listened. Nothing. Ok. Let's try again. I began to meditate. Still nothing. Nothing but my horse constantly nudging at me to get going. He'd nibble my hoodie and butt his head into me. I took and deep breath and all at once it hit me. Message received! That was it, I was finally enough. Riding my horse through the trees and listening to my inner monologue was more than enough. I had it all within myself to know exactly who I was, and why I was here. And that it's ok to be content. It's ok to take a break from pushing myself to be kinder, happier, more giving...it was ok to just be Me for awhile.

It's ok to like dogs a little too much. It's ok to ride my horse everyday and walk around the forest barefoot. It's ok to stop and literally smell the flowers. And it's ok to connect with nature, more than humans. It's ok to stop hunting with a gun, but still want to hunt with a bow. It's ok to believe in magic, and bring that into my canine training. It's ok to like wine on Wednesdays and to sleep in on Mondays.

It's ok to have fits of anxiety that feel like everything might be like it once was...and to breathe through those moments until I can stand on my feet again. It's ok to lose friends...and not miss them. It's also ok to miss them so much it hurts. To have to let go of them day, after day, after day.

I kept riding and I kept finding out just how much I love where I'm at. It doesn't look perfect, it doesn't sound like a dream life...but it's mine. And I'm happy. I'm content.

I've made so many mistakes in life that I thought for a long time that I was put here to learn about struggle. That I was never going to be "just right", for anyone. I figured "one day" I would learn to get it right. It turns out that I was put here to learn patience. And to learn about love and trust. And that I always had those things within. That my purpose was the spread this love, through animals.

So maybe more than discovering that I'm "finally" enough...was truly understanding that I always was.