Days like today I feel defeated. Worn out. Like everything I worked so hard for, is at the end of its rope. I could lose it at anytime.
We've been told to look for the positive. But it's so hard when life has conditioned us to prepare for the worst. And everywhere I look, it's the negative that's getting attention.
Montreal. Southern Politics. Our politics for that matter. Climate crisis' all over the world.
When are we going to start covering the positive? Why do we have to search into the news ourselves to find the good?
Maybe then it would be easier to stay enlightened and upward looking. So it's days like today that I try to dig deep into my tool box from all the courses and counselling that's I've taken, and remind myself of what is truly important in life. What really, deeply matter to me. Because that's all we have in this life. Ourselves, and our thoughts. It's what makes us human. Our thoughts. And the idea that at the end of the day, we are alone.
The animals don't think this way. They survive only on instinct and pack mentalities. They don't question who their best friend is, and they rarely lose family members. They don't worry about fitting into society, and they don't ever intentionally hurt another's feelings. They simply accept the situation for exactly what it is. They live based around their set of circumstances. They need one another, so "arguments" are quick and never out of spite or ego.
See that's why I want to come back as a raven. Or a wolf. Something spiritually higher than we humans are. My dream has always been to live simply, surrounded by loves ones. But I've been plagued all my life by needless emotions and feelings. For some reason, I seem to experience them more intensely. And react often out of confusion and fear, rather than of pure acceptance and love. My brain kicks in before I have a chance to react from a survival, and best for the pack mentality. And instead, I find myself protecting my own feelings, at whatever cost. A huge cost actually. My friends. My family. My sanity. Saving myself becomes all that matters in the moment.
There's been a large shift in my life. I've had to learn how to make it out there on my own, both emotionally and financially. And what I've come to discover, is that the "only ourselves" conversation, is a lie. We may not need them, but we want others. We convince ourselves we don't, to save our hearts the pain. We tell ourselves that in the end, only we matter. But the truth is, we all matter. And I need to start finding a better way to communicate those feelings.
I've spent the better part of a year alone. Working on myself. Loving myself. I'm lonely now. And I want a family. Maybe that's a family of two, maybe it's a family of five. All I know, is I am ready to incorporate others into my life, and not destroy them this time. I'm ready to stop lying to myself, and admit that I want others. I still maintain we don't need others, but I want them. I want to come home to just that-a home. Not an empty house that I pay taxes on the empty rooms. I want those rooms to be filled with laughter and love. I want disagreements to be present, because it reminds me that I'm not alone. And that that person has feelings, thoughts and emotions all of their own. And that those things are all good. Because it means we are loved back. I want to smile at the frustration, seeing that it means we don't have to struggle alone. I want to laugh at the little things we once thought were big things. And I want to engage in a real, honest relationship.
Screw being alone. I've been there, done it, rocked it. Time to find the connection that blows my mind and changes my world. I'm here. I'm ready. Let's get this done.
We've been told to look for the positive. But it's so hard when life has conditioned us to prepare for the worst. And everywhere I look, it's the negative that's getting attention.
Montreal. Southern Politics. Our politics for that matter. Climate crisis' all over the world.
When are we going to start covering the positive? Why do we have to search into the news ourselves to find the good?
Maybe then it would be easier to stay enlightened and upward looking. So it's days like today that I try to dig deep into my tool box from all the courses and counselling that's I've taken, and remind myself of what is truly important in life. What really, deeply matter to me. Because that's all we have in this life. Ourselves, and our thoughts. It's what makes us human. Our thoughts. And the idea that at the end of the day, we are alone.
The animals don't think this way. They survive only on instinct and pack mentalities. They don't question who their best friend is, and they rarely lose family members. They don't worry about fitting into society, and they don't ever intentionally hurt another's feelings. They simply accept the situation for exactly what it is. They live based around their set of circumstances. They need one another, so "arguments" are quick and never out of spite or ego.
See that's why I want to come back as a raven. Or a wolf. Something spiritually higher than we humans are. My dream has always been to live simply, surrounded by loves ones. But I've been plagued all my life by needless emotions and feelings. For some reason, I seem to experience them more intensely. And react often out of confusion and fear, rather than of pure acceptance and love. My brain kicks in before I have a chance to react from a survival, and best for the pack mentality. And instead, I find myself protecting my own feelings, at whatever cost. A huge cost actually. My friends. My family. My sanity. Saving myself becomes all that matters in the moment.
There's been a large shift in my life. I've had to learn how to make it out there on my own, both emotionally and financially. And what I've come to discover, is that the "only ourselves" conversation, is a lie. We may not need them, but we want others. We convince ourselves we don't, to save our hearts the pain. We tell ourselves that in the end, only we matter. But the truth is, we all matter. And I need to start finding a better way to communicate those feelings.
I've spent the better part of a year alone. Working on myself. Loving myself. I'm lonely now. And I want a family. Maybe that's a family of two, maybe it's a family of five. All I know, is I am ready to incorporate others into my life, and not destroy them this time. I'm ready to stop lying to myself, and admit that I want others. I still maintain we don't need others, but I want them. I want to come home to just that-a home. Not an empty house that I pay taxes on the empty rooms. I want those rooms to be filled with laughter and love. I want disagreements to be present, because it reminds me that I'm not alone. And that that person has feelings, thoughts and emotions all of their own. And that those things are all good. Because it means we are loved back. I want to smile at the frustration, seeing that it means we don't have to struggle alone. I want to laugh at the little things we once thought were big things. And I want to engage in a real, honest relationship.
Screw being alone. I've been there, done it, rocked it. Time to find the connection that blows my mind and changes my world. I'm here. I'm ready. Let's get this done.
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