"I feel compelled to re post this when it popped up as a memory.
Also I feel called to say what I have been avoiding for weeks and to honor the love and the man that said I was enough from the day he met me, took me in and loved me with all his might including my flaws and short comings, and only sought that i return. I was enough in his eyes and his heart, but not in my own.
It makes my heart swell and I am filled with intense grief at the same moment for the us that was.
I remember the excitement of traveling to Mexico for the first time with the man that made my heart so happy. I remember how his body felt behind me as we snuggled in to snap this image to post on FB. This was a happier time on all accounts... a time when we took such deep comfort in each others embrace, when we only wanted to be with each other, and when we truly had the others back.
God I wish for those days again, and for that feeling of certainty that we would love and last our way into rocking chairs and walkers.
I was so in love and so happy and at peace in myself and with my husband and best friend Hugo.
We had NO clue what the next trip to Mexico would entail, how that attack became the catalyst and would under pin the slow and painful devolving of our once blissed out marriage. How we would pull back and guard and eventually see the other as the enemy. I am broken hearted today, and have been for several months as I see the man I adored moving further and further away from me. I did so many things I said I would not do, I pushed Hugo away and I placed conditions on my love and more damaging than that... I put conditions on his love for me.
I see the reel of flashbacks in my minds eye daily where I pulled away, pushed away, and rejected his love and support when I could have just said yes and leaned in. I rejected me, in rejecting him. I didn't know what to do or say, I craved the comfort you see in the image above, but knew not how to seek, ask for, or create it anymore. I often said the worst and did the worst things possible causing more heartache and worry, anger, and distance than I could ever have imagined. What I could not see in so many moments that I see now is that I was the one backing away. I was the one rejecting Hugo, and in essence.. My self. The distance between us kept growing and building resentment and anger along the way because let's face it it is way easier to be pissed off and righteous than be vulnerable and honest.
I am currently negotiating a separation agreement and soon I will no longer live with my husband and I nearly throw up when I think of that reality.
I know it takes two to make a relationship work, and two to fight, and two to blah blah blah... But this post is not a t all about justification or blame. I write today because I need to take responsibility for all the times Hugo tried, and I said no. I also need to say I'm so deeply sorry to have en flicked the pain of rejection on another person, most of all the man that said I choose you Darren and you are enough. The man I chose and married.
For those of you that will took the time to read this thank you for being my sacred space to begin to release this pain of knowing I hurt the man I loved the deepest. And to be honest about where I'm at.
Please if you have a loved significant other grab them and hold them a little longer than usual tonight. Tell them how much you love them and how much they impact and improve your life. Even if they make you angry, or upset. Remember with your heart, not your mind how they make you feel.
I know no one can take away the joy we shared and the amazing things we set out to accomplish and did, and my precious memories of happiness and comfort with him at my side... Those are locked in me for ever and thank god for that. AND no one can take away this intense pain of grief and loss when the man I love and want back so badly says "you went to far, and you cut too deep and I can't be with you any longer".
And the truth is.. I did...
Love each other.. Do good in your world, hold tight teh dearest of loves you have availblr to do so, and more than all of that.... LOVE YOU!!
I am enough... My new/old mantra.
Hugo Stoupe, Thank you for choosing me 5 years ago, you were and still are a BRAVE beautiful man. I'm sorry I have been so toxic and mean in the last few months and I truly hope this is not the end of my time with you. It will be different being on our own, but I still love you, I always will and I want to be in your corner once again should you feel that is right for you.
For those of you that know us both, LOVE US BOTH, and For those of you that only know me... LOVE US BOTH!!
Break ups are fucking hard, and trust me I have hurt us both enough to last a life time. It's time for Joy, and for LOVE.
Lastly, It is my Mom and Dad's 44th anniversary, a reality I will never experience, but I will reap the joy and the victory vicariously because I now truly understand the LOVE, tolerance, faith, sacrifice, patience, and shear grit and determination it takes to choose that same person day in day out, in teh face of all that life throws at you.
Congrats Mom (Betty) and Dad. <3 :-)"
First off, clearly I didn't write this. I hummed about editing it, quoting parts, or ignoring its statement all together. I've decided to honour its message in its entirety. As I made my way deeper and deeper into this post, I was a sobbing mess. It struck so many familiar cords, that I reverted back to a time I was trying to pretend didn't exist. I reread my friends message over and over, letting his pain convey my own. Seeing his honesty...his vulnerability...his open wounds. They mimicked my own. They talked of the kind of open wounds that I realized were still there. I'd covered them up, but they haven't healed.
I then debated on posting a blog on this at all. I mean who cares, right? Who was even going to read it? And are those who did, going to judge it? Was it going to end up too long of a read for anyone to even make it this far, to the part you're now on? Will they even make it to my words? Then I realized I don't care. This blog has always been for myself. Somewhere along the way, I suppose I had forgotten that this blog started as a way to sort of cleanse my soul of all the emotions, feelings and destruction that was happening within my anxious being. And even though my soul is no longer anxious, I still find the writing aspect to be...healing. The timing was perfect. I started this blog one year ago, just before the Wild Fires...and here they are showing up in my "memories". And so here it is. My friends words broken down into what they meant to me. How his openness...changed my world. How his passion, has provided an outlet for me to continue to write. How perfectly imperfect his tribute became my own. I feel you, Darren. I cry for, and with you. And I'll continue to heal with you.
"Also I feel called to say what I have been avoiding for weeks and to honor the love and the man that said I was enough from the day he met me, took me in and loved me with all his might including my flaws and short comings, and only sought that i return. I was enough in his eyes and his heart, but not in my own."...this opening paragraph drew me completely in and held me. How someone else out there, that I actually knew, understood completely they struggle of "I am enough"...and believing it. Saying it is one thing, faking it til you make it...but truly seeing yourself as another sees you...that's downright impossible for me at times. Knowing my worth, on an intellectual level, is easy. I'm human, I'm alive...therefore I'm enough. Got it. Believing it? Much harder to accomplish. It's with grit and determination that I've allowed myself to accept what I said, what I did...can't be taken back. And it'll be that same grit and determination that will allow another human being to tell me once again, that I am enough in their eyes. And then begin telling myself that I am. I had that "love with all his might", and not only did I toss it aside, I made sure I crumpled it up and lit it on fire first. Being unable to accept that you are worthy of that "love with all his might"...is such a panicked and ugly place to be. Looking back at that place, makes me cringe. So...forward it is.
"We had NO clue what the next trip to Mexico would entail, how that attack became the catalyst and would under pin the slow and painful devolving of our once blissed out marriage. How we would pull back and guard and eventually see the other as the enemy. I am broken hearted today, and have been for several months as I see the man I adored moving further and further away from me. I did so many things I said I would not do, I pushed Hugo away and I placed conditions on my love and more damaging than that... I put conditions on his love for me.
I see the reel of flashbacks in my minds eye daily where I pulled away, pushed away, and rejected his love and support when I could have just said yes and leaned in. I rejected me, in rejecting him. I didn't know what to do or say, I craved the comfort you see in the image above, but knew not how to seek, ask for, or create it anymore. I often said the worst and did the worst things possible causing more heartache and worry, anger, and distance than I could ever have imagined. What I could not see in so many moments that I see now is that I was the one backing away. I was the one rejecting Hugo, and in essence.. My self. The distance between us kept growing and building resentment and anger along the way because let's face it it is way easier to be pissed off and righteous than be vulnerable and honest.".......ugh. Just read that again...the absolute devastation at the realization that as we push away the ones that love us the most...that accept our...Kariness...we damage and push away ourselves. We reflect our own inner turmoil onto the ones we so desperately want to keep around. Why do we do that? Why did Darren do that? Why did I do that? Though our traumas are different, it was ultimately dealing with those traumas that forced us to unwillingly explode onto those we who we thought could handle our moments of sheer...panic. Moments of doubt, fear, anger and...confusion. I often had no idea why. Why the hell am I acting this way, saying these things, hurting the person I love more than any human on the planet? Why? It took years of professional help to answer those whys. It took digging deep, and just trudging through the waste deep shit that had become my inner dialog from a lifelong pact with myself to just stuff those memories and feelings...oh, but those feelings and memories never stay stuffed do they? Not when a once in a lifetime love comes along. What a perfect time to explode all my chaos onto the person who truly loves me...for me. Good plan, Kari. Good plan. I know now that it wasn't on purpose. I mean none of us go into our days thinking, "yep, today I'm going to just F up my entire life"...no, it wasn't like that at all. It was more, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! *sigh* How did I get to this place?"
"I know it takes two to make a relationship work, and two to fight, and two to blah blah blah... But this post is not a t all about justification or blame. I write today because I need to take responsibility for all the times Hugo tried, and I said no. I also need to say I'm so deeply sorry to have en flicked the pain of rejection on another person, most of all the man that said I choose you Darren and you are enough. The man I chose and married."....I don't even think I'm ready to express how this recognition and apology struck me. Hurting someone who loves you...loves you so deeply...so..."all in". Devastating. Unforgivable. Shameful. These are the things I feel about the amount of hurt I placed on another human. On MY human. THE human...for me. The one who chose me back...that kind of guilt...takes a lifetime to get over.
"Please if you have a loved significant other grab them and hold them a little longer than usual tonight. Tell them how much you love them and how much they impact and improve your life. Even if they make you angry, or upset. Remember with your heart, not your mind how they make you feel."...Remember with your heart, not your mind...these were ultimately the words that are the lesson for me. For when you break the man you love the most, these are the words of wisdom that have got to be taken from it all. To never allow yourself to chip away at any other person that way again. To play this game of love with your heart, not your head. Because it's not a game. You don't always get to fold the board up nicely, and try to master it again tomorrow. It's not about strategies and how to win...it's about how to accept. And love them back. How to attack the traumas together, rather than treat them like the enemy. They were never the enemy. This was never a game.
"I know no one can take away the joy we shared and the amazing things we set out to accomplish and did, and my precious memories of happiness and comfort with him at my side... Those are locked in me for ever and thank god for that. AND no one can take away this intense pain of grief and loss when the man I love and want back so badly says "you went to far, and you cut too deep and I can't be with you any longer".
And the truth is.. I did...".....as did I. And the truth is although I am truly happy...truly moving forward...truly in a good place. A balanced place. A calmer place...it's because I've put these memories in a box. And I don't let them out. I don't look at them. Not in the presence of anyone else anyways. Because holding onto those memories has prevented me from allowing another to love me that way. And mostly I'm not ready for another love like that. I don't think I ever will be, truthfully. I know that my "Hugo", he was the One. And it wasn't perfect, and we both made mistakes...but it doesn't change the soul. The connection. I just have to live without that connection...I have to live with my own self now. Continue being strong on my own two feet. Find another. Become peaceful in the reality of my situation. I've allowed the pain to dull, and become manageable. And so, as always, forward...
"Love each other.. Do good in your world, hold tight teh dearest of loves you have availblr to do so, and more than all of that.... LOVE YOU!!
I am enough... My new/old mantra." This pretty well speaks for itself. Love you.
"Hugo Stoupe, Thank you for choosing me 5 years ago, you were and still are a BRAVE beautiful man. I'm sorry I have been so toxic and mean in the last few months and I truly hope this is not the end of my time with you. It will be different being on our own, but I still love you, I always will and I want to be in your corner once again should you feel that is right for you.
For those of you that know us both, LOVE US BOTH, and For those of you that only know me... LOVE US BOTH!!"....Keith Richardson, thank you for choosing me for 5 years. You are brave and beautiful. I'm sorry I was so toxic and mean. I know this is the end of my time with you. It's been different on my own, but I still love you. I always will. I'm still in your corner.
"Break ups are fucking hard, and trust me I have hurt us both enough to last a life time. It's time for Joy, and for LOVE.
Lastly, It is my Mom and Dad's 44th anniversary, a reality I will never experience, but I will reap the joy and the victory vicariously because I now truly understand the LOVE, tolerance, faith, sacrifice, patience, and shear grit and determination it takes to choose that same person day in day out, in teh face of all that life throws at you."....it was my grandparents anniversary at pretty well the exact same time. And interestingly enough, I had the same thoughts of "I'll never have that". But I do faithfully believe, that one day I will have a love again. Maybe not THE love...but I will find a true, honest love again. Because I am enough.
Also I feel called to say what I have been avoiding for weeks and to honor the love and the man that said I was enough from the day he met me, took me in and loved me with all his might including my flaws and short comings, and only sought that i return. I was enough in his eyes and his heart, but not in my own.
It makes my heart swell and I am filled with intense grief at the same moment for the us that was.
I remember the excitement of traveling to Mexico for the first time with the man that made my heart so happy. I remember how his body felt behind me as we snuggled in to snap this image to post on FB. This was a happier time on all accounts... a time when we took such deep comfort in each others embrace, when we only wanted to be with each other, and when we truly had the others back.
God I wish for those days again, and for that feeling of certainty that we would love and last our way into rocking chairs and walkers.
I was so in love and so happy and at peace in myself and with my husband and best friend Hugo.
We had NO clue what the next trip to Mexico would entail, how that attack became the catalyst and would under pin the slow and painful devolving of our once blissed out marriage. How we would pull back and guard and eventually see the other as the enemy. I am broken hearted today, and have been for several months as I see the man I adored moving further and further away from me. I did so many things I said I would not do, I pushed Hugo away and I placed conditions on my love and more damaging than that... I put conditions on his love for me.
I see the reel of flashbacks in my minds eye daily where I pulled away, pushed away, and rejected his love and support when I could have just said yes and leaned in. I rejected me, in rejecting him. I didn't know what to do or say, I craved the comfort you see in the image above, but knew not how to seek, ask for, or create it anymore. I often said the worst and did the worst things possible causing more heartache and worry, anger, and distance than I could ever have imagined. What I could not see in so many moments that I see now is that I was the one backing away. I was the one rejecting Hugo, and in essence.. My self. The distance between us kept growing and building resentment and anger along the way because let's face it it is way easier to be pissed off and righteous than be vulnerable and honest.
I am currently negotiating a separation agreement and soon I will no longer live with my husband and I nearly throw up when I think of that reality.
I know it takes two to make a relationship work, and two to fight, and two to blah blah blah... But this post is not a t all about justification or blame. I write today because I need to take responsibility for all the times Hugo tried, and I said no. I also need to say I'm so deeply sorry to have en flicked the pain of rejection on another person, most of all the man that said I choose you Darren and you are enough. The man I chose and married.
For those of you that will took the time to read this thank you for being my sacred space to begin to release this pain of knowing I hurt the man I loved the deepest. And to be honest about where I'm at.
Please if you have a loved significant other grab them and hold them a little longer than usual tonight. Tell them how much you love them and how much they impact and improve your life. Even if they make you angry, or upset. Remember with your heart, not your mind how they make you feel.
I know no one can take away the joy we shared and the amazing things we set out to accomplish and did, and my precious memories of happiness and comfort with him at my side... Those are locked in me for ever and thank god for that. AND no one can take away this intense pain of grief and loss when the man I love and want back so badly says "you went to far, and you cut too deep and I can't be with you any longer".
And the truth is.. I did...
Love each other.. Do good in your world, hold tight teh dearest of loves you have availblr to do so, and more than all of that.... LOVE YOU!!
I am enough... My new/old mantra.
Hugo Stoupe, Thank you for choosing me 5 years ago, you were and still are a BRAVE beautiful man. I'm sorry I have been so toxic and mean in the last few months and I truly hope this is not the end of my time with you. It will be different being on our own, but I still love you, I always will and I want to be in your corner once again should you feel that is right for you.
For those of you that know us both, LOVE US BOTH, and For those of you that only know me... LOVE US BOTH!!
Break ups are fucking hard, and trust me I have hurt us both enough to last a life time. It's time for Joy, and for LOVE.
Lastly, It is my Mom and Dad's 44th anniversary, a reality I will never experience, but I will reap the joy and the victory vicariously because I now truly understand the LOVE, tolerance, faith, sacrifice, patience, and shear grit and determination it takes to choose that same person day in day out, in teh face of all that life throws at you.
Congrats Mom (Betty) and Dad. <3 :-)"
First off, clearly I didn't write this. I hummed about editing it, quoting parts, or ignoring its statement all together. I've decided to honour its message in its entirety. As I made my way deeper and deeper into this post, I was a sobbing mess. It struck so many familiar cords, that I reverted back to a time I was trying to pretend didn't exist. I reread my friends message over and over, letting his pain convey my own. Seeing his honesty...his vulnerability...his open wounds. They mimicked my own. They talked of the kind of open wounds that I realized were still there. I'd covered them up, but they haven't healed.
I then debated on posting a blog on this at all. I mean who cares, right? Who was even going to read it? And are those who did, going to judge it? Was it going to end up too long of a read for anyone to even make it this far, to the part you're now on? Will they even make it to my words? Then I realized I don't care. This blog has always been for myself. Somewhere along the way, I suppose I had forgotten that this blog started as a way to sort of cleanse my soul of all the emotions, feelings and destruction that was happening within my anxious being. And even though my soul is no longer anxious, I still find the writing aspect to be...healing. The timing was perfect. I started this blog one year ago, just before the Wild Fires...and here they are showing up in my "memories". And so here it is. My friends words broken down into what they meant to me. How his openness...changed my world. How his passion, has provided an outlet for me to continue to write. How perfectly imperfect his tribute became my own. I feel you, Darren. I cry for, and with you. And I'll continue to heal with you.
"Also I feel called to say what I have been avoiding for weeks and to honor the love and the man that said I was enough from the day he met me, took me in and loved me with all his might including my flaws and short comings, and only sought that i return. I was enough in his eyes and his heart, but not in my own."...this opening paragraph drew me completely in and held me. How someone else out there, that I actually knew, understood completely they struggle of "I am enough"...and believing it. Saying it is one thing, faking it til you make it...but truly seeing yourself as another sees you...that's downright impossible for me at times. Knowing my worth, on an intellectual level, is easy. I'm human, I'm alive...therefore I'm enough. Got it. Believing it? Much harder to accomplish. It's with grit and determination that I've allowed myself to accept what I said, what I did...can't be taken back. And it'll be that same grit and determination that will allow another human being to tell me once again, that I am enough in their eyes. And then begin telling myself that I am. I had that "love with all his might", and not only did I toss it aside, I made sure I crumpled it up and lit it on fire first. Being unable to accept that you are worthy of that "love with all his might"...is such a panicked and ugly place to be. Looking back at that place, makes me cringe. So...forward it is.
"We had NO clue what the next trip to Mexico would entail, how that attack became the catalyst and would under pin the slow and painful devolving of our once blissed out marriage. How we would pull back and guard and eventually see the other as the enemy. I am broken hearted today, and have been for several months as I see the man I adored moving further and further away from me. I did so many things I said I would not do, I pushed Hugo away and I placed conditions on my love and more damaging than that... I put conditions on his love for me.
I see the reel of flashbacks in my minds eye daily where I pulled away, pushed away, and rejected his love and support when I could have just said yes and leaned in. I rejected me, in rejecting him. I didn't know what to do or say, I craved the comfort you see in the image above, but knew not how to seek, ask for, or create it anymore. I often said the worst and did the worst things possible causing more heartache and worry, anger, and distance than I could ever have imagined. What I could not see in so many moments that I see now is that I was the one backing away. I was the one rejecting Hugo, and in essence.. My self. The distance between us kept growing and building resentment and anger along the way because let's face it it is way easier to be pissed off and righteous than be vulnerable and honest.".......ugh. Just read that again...the absolute devastation at the realization that as we push away the ones that love us the most...that accept our...Kariness...we damage and push away ourselves. We reflect our own inner turmoil onto the ones we so desperately want to keep around. Why do we do that? Why did Darren do that? Why did I do that? Though our traumas are different, it was ultimately dealing with those traumas that forced us to unwillingly explode onto those we who we thought could handle our moments of sheer...panic. Moments of doubt, fear, anger and...confusion. I often had no idea why. Why the hell am I acting this way, saying these things, hurting the person I love more than any human on the planet? Why? It took years of professional help to answer those whys. It took digging deep, and just trudging through the waste deep shit that had become my inner dialog from a lifelong pact with myself to just stuff those memories and feelings...oh, but those feelings and memories never stay stuffed do they? Not when a once in a lifetime love comes along. What a perfect time to explode all my chaos onto the person who truly loves me...for me. Good plan, Kari. Good plan. I know now that it wasn't on purpose. I mean none of us go into our days thinking, "yep, today I'm going to just F up my entire life"...no, it wasn't like that at all. It was more, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! *sigh* How did I get to this place?"
"I know it takes two to make a relationship work, and two to fight, and two to blah blah blah... But this post is not a t all about justification or blame. I write today because I need to take responsibility for all the times Hugo tried, and I said no. I also need to say I'm so deeply sorry to have en flicked the pain of rejection on another person, most of all the man that said I choose you Darren and you are enough. The man I chose and married."....I don't even think I'm ready to express how this recognition and apology struck me. Hurting someone who loves you...loves you so deeply...so..."all in". Devastating. Unforgivable. Shameful. These are the things I feel about the amount of hurt I placed on another human. On MY human. THE human...for me. The one who chose me back...that kind of guilt...takes a lifetime to get over.
"Please if you have a loved significant other grab them and hold them a little longer than usual tonight. Tell them how much you love them and how much they impact and improve your life. Even if they make you angry, or upset. Remember with your heart, not your mind how they make you feel."...Remember with your heart, not your mind...these were ultimately the words that are the lesson for me. For when you break the man you love the most, these are the words of wisdom that have got to be taken from it all. To never allow yourself to chip away at any other person that way again. To play this game of love with your heart, not your head. Because it's not a game. You don't always get to fold the board up nicely, and try to master it again tomorrow. It's not about strategies and how to win...it's about how to accept. And love them back. How to attack the traumas together, rather than treat them like the enemy. They were never the enemy. This was never a game.
"I know no one can take away the joy we shared and the amazing things we set out to accomplish and did, and my precious memories of happiness and comfort with him at my side... Those are locked in me for ever and thank god for that. AND no one can take away this intense pain of grief and loss when the man I love and want back so badly says "you went to far, and you cut too deep and I can't be with you any longer".
And the truth is.. I did...".....as did I. And the truth is although I am truly happy...truly moving forward...truly in a good place. A balanced place. A calmer place...it's because I've put these memories in a box. And I don't let them out. I don't look at them. Not in the presence of anyone else anyways. Because holding onto those memories has prevented me from allowing another to love me that way. And mostly I'm not ready for another love like that. I don't think I ever will be, truthfully. I know that my "Hugo", he was the One. And it wasn't perfect, and we both made mistakes...but it doesn't change the soul. The connection. I just have to live without that connection...I have to live with my own self now. Continue being strong on my own two feet. Find another. Become peaceful in the reality of my situation. I've allowed the pain to dull, and become manageable. And so, as always, forward...
"Love each other.. Do good in your world, hold tight teh dearest of loves you have availblr to do so, and more than all of that.... LOVE YOU!!
I am enough... My new/old mantra." This pretty well speaks for itself. Love you.
"Hugo Stoupe, Thank you for choosing me 5 years ago, you were and still are a BRAVE beautiful man. I'm sorry I have been so toxic and mean in the last few months and I truly hope this is not the end of my time with you. It will be different being on our own, but I still love you, I always will and I want to be in your corner once again should you feel that is right for you.
For those of you that know us both, LOVE US BOTH, and For those of you that only know me... LOVE US BOTH!!"....Keith Richardson, thank you for choosing me for 5 years. You are brave and beautiful. I'm sorry I was so toxic and mean. I know this is the end of my time with you. It's been different on my own, but I still love you. I always will. I'm still in your corner.
"Break ups are fucking hard, and trust me I have hurt us both enough to last a life time. It's time for Joy, and for LOVE.
Lastly, It is my Mom and Dad's 44th anniversary, a reality I will never experience, but I will reap the joy and the victory vicariously because I now truly understand the LOVE, tolerance, faith, sacrifice, patience, and shear grit and determination it takes to choose that same person day in day out, in teh face of all that life throws at you."....it was my grandparents anniversary at pretty well the exact same time. And interestingly enough, I had the same thoughts of "I'll never have that". But I do faithfully believe, that one day I will have a love again. Maybe not THE love...but I will find a true, honest love again. Because I am enough.
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