Brené Brown and Choices

I've had this quote since the very year my "decent into madness" began. I put it up in my kitchen last week and for some reason tonight, when I looked at this, I truly understood it. I'm in the rebuilding stage and these last 4 years were my rock bottom. My storyline. And I know why tonight it hit me. Because I responded the exact opposite tonight to a situation than I ever would have before...and I didn't even think about it. I just answered. I only realized afterwards alllll the things I really would like to say. I reacted with truth...then inside my head had a hay day with all the things I knew were also true, but were horrible and completely crossing a trust line…when someone confesses or confides things to you, it's your duty to never use that against them. No matter how angry you get with them…so I just let it go. I let it go!!! And it involved a "friend" who tried to ruin my life. I just told an inquiring lady the truth about this person’s line of work...and didn't go into what I thought of her on a personal level. I kept that history to myself. And so looking at that, and knowing that this person contributed to my rock bottom...who actively contributed to taking away Keith from me…and who tried to take away my mom with her vicious lies...I finally understood that I was in the rebuilding stage. The being a better person on a real, committed level stage. A sane level. Thank gawd, I'm a good person again. I'm trustworthy and stable. I waited a long time to say that about my anxiety and emotions. I'm through the trauma of forgiving myself for being the one who tore my entire family apart because of Wayde. My step brother. And that's the first time I've written or spoke his name in years. All that yoga, reiki and cards shifted something!

I recently introduced my friend to “The power of vulnerability” by Brené Brown. If you haven’t heard of this lady, or seen the video…do it. And do it now! This video single handily catapulted me onto a path that first destroyed my life, then began to rebuild it. When my friend asked me what the video gave me, I responded with this:
“The connection part of it was it for me...when she explains how vital it is and I knew that what had happened (in my childhood) was deeply affecting my ability to connect to people. And I mean connect authentically, on a meaningful relationship level. I knew a lot of people, and my dog daycare business was thriving, but I was so unable to forge trusting relationships. I'd bail as soon as things required commitment or being vulnerable. I didn't want people to see that I wasn't that redneck, tough, don't need  no one, take care of myself kinda gal. The truth was, I was a redneck hippie. Who deeply loves the earth and nature, and wants to make a real difference. Truly honour what makes my soul feel passionate. And for me that was the dogs, archery, guns and beer redneck side…and crystals, soulful conversations, meditation, yoga, horses, nature, and wine hippie side of me. It was ok to be both. And not apologize for it because I seem weird to people with the things I sometimes like to talk about when it comes to the metaphysical and such. So Brené Brown gave me that.”  

Brené gave me my life back. She gave me this epiphany:
Courage is a heart word. And it takes mountains of it to become true to yourself in a world that wants you to be unique, but not too unique. Bold, but don't be weird. Ok be weird, but only if it's cool weird.
I don't know...I've always been awkwardly trapped between hippie and redneck. In tune, but crude. Sociable, but firm. I never could figure out what side to "be" for the public.
Tonight it was confirmed to me, I asked and I received. It's ok to be both. It's ok to be a hippie that uses the word fuck.
It's ok to honour nature by burning plants, holding crystals and breathing deeply with your bare feet on the Earth. And it's also ok to like shooting guns, riding horses, staring at the fire and drinking wine.
Ok maybe wine falls into both categories.
The point is...DO what makes your soul feel peaceful and content. Even if that makes you uncool weird.
Cause your people are out there.
I found a few more of my own tribe tonight. That feeling can't be topped. You feel accepted. No judgement. Just peace and love.
Every generation has a group of people who get that. And they are the ones changing the world in small, significant ways. They are the ones protecting nature and goodness and hope.
Cause without hope, we give up.
Don't give up.
Find your tribe.
And just be.

This conversation inevitably lead to talking about a course I attended after I decided it was time to become who I truly am.
Choices. Ah, Choices. What hasn’t it given me? But this is how that conversation went…
“Choices gave me the statement "I don't have to justify who I am." And so much more…but that was my “stand up in front of the room and tell them what Choices was about for you” statement. Another huge thing I took from choices was my past…again...how it was giving me these crazy, rant-tastic reactions to the slightest amount of rejection. Being told no. Changes in plans. Someone not wanting to do something. These kinda things sent me into shit storm land. And I couldn't explain why, it was like watching myself, but being unable to stop the train wreck. I knew I had to let go of the pain that caused mistrust and rejection issues...I had to forgive my step brother, but also report him...I needed to be able to handle myself. See things from a much higher perspective, and realize every single human being is facing their own world of struggles, triumphs, and all the ups and downs of life…so sometimes what I thought was rejection or thoughtlessness of me...was actually people trying to deal with their own shit show. That's why the “rodeo incident” was SO huge for me. I was able to trust myself to control my emotions completely. While drinking to boot! That whole night...you, standing barefoot with those horses on the sidelines, (a friend) showing me those outhouses I didn't even know where there as we're looking for my phone...all of that was preparing me for the explosion!  And I took the signs, I followed them by what I thought was right. I trusted the universe. And I trusted myself.” The actual events of what took place that night aren’t important. What is important is I trusted myself and the Universe to take care of me. 

So between Choices and Brené, I was able to build my tools and actually put them into practice. I started to rebuild my life.
I've finally come to true peace. Knowing I can survive and also thrive on my own. I can have meaningful relationships and not completely fucking decimate them. I can finally BE that person I was struggling so hard to be. I've let go of the anger, shame, fear and anxiety. The only real dark emotions I struggle with now are sadness and guilt. Because I'm in the place now that I was scratching and crawling and destroying others to get to. I am finally through the SLUDGE. I still have drama as we all do, but not chaos. And I'm able to handle the drama. Handle myself. Trust myself. Guilt and sadness remain because I am finally the person who can be with Keith, and be his pillar. His home. His safe place. His love. His June...maybe I'm Johnny. The self-destructive who became a self-healer. Either way, the kinda Johnny and June soul mate story. A classic. But I'll never have him again. I'll never get to stand next to him and prove that in the end I did the work for myself, but also to be with him. To honour him because he's my witch, and I'm his Druid wannabe. And because he is strong, yet sensitive...he deserves amazing. I finally know I'm amazing. And that's what I wish he knew. That I slayed the dragon...with my raven card and crystals.

So yeah. Brené started the change in my life. Choices gave me the tools. It was worth the four year "street fight", as she would say. I found my best friend, my best clients, and my best self...now to find my best teammate. My Johnny...my witch...my Keith 2.0! 
Never will I allow life to take my sparkle ever again...so shine on beautiful humans. Because, hey, if I can do it...anyone can.