Looking for results with your dog?

Listen up.

I've shared versions of this before, and I feel like it's important to continue to do so. Until we stop putting ourselves on top of the food chain, we will never become apart of nature. I'm not suggesting that we all become vegans and dance wildly in the trees. The dancing part does sound pretty fun though! What I am suggesting, however, is that we could all benefit from placing ego on the sidelines and making an effort to say more things like: "I'm sorry" "I miss you" "I love you" "I was wrong" "how can I fix it".

I've had to do a lot of this in the recent past. So many times I was quick to anger because my ego told me that my early experiences were being played out in my current experience. I wasn't able to see beyond the habits and encounters that created my current mindset. I was misplacing the effects of a completely different time and place, on the present moment. This caused me to lash out in fear, frustration and what I now know was also confusion. My instincts knew that it wasn't right, but I couldn't stop it. I was watching myself lose control, but my brain was in panic mode and self preservation was all that mattered. Ego was all that mattered.

I also held onto grudges like they were my last bit of control over someone whom I had no right to even be considering as responsible for any part of my happiness. I was solely responsible for my own happiness, and I just had to get moving on ways to beat my brain at its own game. So I did. I buckled down and I fought like my life depended on it. Because it did. And I began to forgive.

I forgave my "enemies". I forgave my "friends". But most importantly, I forgave my past. I forgave those whom I had blamed and begrudged for all those years. Years of telling myself I wasn't good enough, and years of hiding behind the pain that those moments brought me. I released my burden of self criticism and fully embraced the wild calling in my soul to start living how I alone saw fit. No one was going to judge me on my day's end except my own regrets and should haves.

I started to find ways that I might be able to help others, who felt like I did. These "ways" are not big, grand endeavours that touch the whole, wide world...No. They are small acts. Words of advice. Dog courses. They are displays of service within my own small world.

I think that's where it starts. In our backyards and communities. Trying to make a difference and be a good person to those around us. Maybe inspiring them to do the same. Because trying to change the whole world is a daunting task when looked at from our tiny place on this planet. So starting small, we start to see the ripple effects of one small act of kindness. One word of comfort given in a time of grief or sadness. A door, hand or trust held within a moment of need. Telling someone "look at you go, you're doing a great job". Or "I see your struggle, I feel your pain...but you got this". Reminding others they are not alone. We have their back. When we perform these things for others, we also give back to ourselves tenfold.

I didn't come up with these concepts. They've always been there, it just took awhile for me to see them. I meditated, drew cards, worked with crystals, sought out the wisdom of counsellors and therapists. And I surrounded myself with soul sisters. Other deeply grounded individuals who were not afraid to admit the mistakes of being human, find truths in a corrupt society, and who let go of ego.

All of this ultimately made me a better human, but also a better dog handler. Because all of this, also applies to your relationship with your dog. Letting go of ego, and embracing the pure, unfiltered spirit of nature will foster a bond that you never thought possible. Putting frustration and anger in its place will force you to replace those emotions with patience and compassion. Looking at the whole picture generates a new perspective of where your dog is coming from, and in what areas you need to work on first. Maybe taking two steps back, creates the foundation you needed to fix the initial issue. But what will happen for sure by putting ego on a back burner and relying instead on integrity and tolerance, is it will build trust and harmony. Which ultimately leads to results.

Which is what the ego wanted in the first place.

I've always loved Halloween the most of all the holidays. I suppose it's because I could be anyone, or anything I wanted for but a moment in time. For someone who used to always look for belonging and acceptance, Halloween provided a time to do just that. We were all freaks and weirdos on this day.

This Halloween was a bit different.

I messed up. Bad. I messed up so badly that I cost my boss and his family $15,000. I put a cow's milk into the tank that was supposed to be separated, and that caused a fine of $15,000 for a first time offence. First time in 15 years of milking. Ouch. I can't even begin to explain how sick this made me feel. When I mess up in my own business with dogs, I have no one to answer to but myself. I think you can imagine the amount of "oh my gawds" and "how did I miss thats" that went through my head. But all that didn't matter, because it happened and there were consequences.

Now, that being said, I still have my job. I believe that personally this is because of three things:
1. I was honest in admitting I forgot about the second of two cows that needed separating.
2. I didn't shrug it off. I was extremely apologetic and knew exactly how big of a mistake this was.
3. I was it. The training was put in, and there was no one else readily available for the job.

Boy, am I grateful for number three. More than grateful for number three, I'm grateful for such kind, understanding and rational people to be employed under. I've learned SO much about how to treat others from this family. Were they choked? Yes. Were they likely a little angry? Absolutely. But they are also forgiving, graceful and humbling to be around.

This job has taught me many lessons on patience, hard work and commitment. But today, it taught me the biggest lesson in life: love. Whether or not my boss realizes this, what he displayed was a big, fat display of love. He's shown an enormous amount of love by handling the situation with stoicism and mercy. In fact, after a long shift of making sure I did everything EXACTLY right, he handed me a bag of candy, and cheerfully exclaimed, Happy Halloween!

This is the kind of person I am working towards becoming. One who looks past the details of a situation, and looks at the big picture. Who can see the forest for the trees. Someone who doesn't get caught up in emotions, and can come to a rational discussion before addressing an issue.

This job has taught me much more than how to a milk a cow. It's taught me how to be a better human being.

The Universe never fails. Please know this. It never fails.

Following the separation from my significant other and having to face the world alone, it was becoming harder and harder to remember why I do what I do. I had to get a second job, milking cows, and I was desperately afraid that my dream job of working with dogs was going to fall out of my grasp. Working dogs became a sad time for me as I struggled to stay on top of the canine world. Instead of being grateful while I was on the field, I was constantly worrying about it slipping away from me at any moment. I even came to a place where I was thinking about throwing in the proverbial towel and getting a "real" job. That was, after all, what I had been told to do for years by those who didn't get that dogs were real to me. I felt them in every bone in my body.

Then, CTV called. They wanted to do a segment on me. They wanted to feature my dogs, my hard work. My passion. Message received, Universe.

They say that when you stray from your path, you will always find a way back. I can tell you with the utmost certainty, this is true. The divine energy out there knows exactly what it is that your soul longs for. It knows your destiny, and it has no qualms about shoving you right back onto the track that leads you back to a passion that has been the centre of your being for eons. You will continue to trip, if you don't heed her calling.

The day of my interview with this tv station, I went to my secondary job and was overcome with all sorts of emotions. I literally could not keep it together. I cried and cried while cleaning stalls and sorting dairy cows. Finally, my boss sent me home, reassuring me that these days happen and that it was more important to face the music, than tune it out.

I had worked so hard over the last few years to pick myself up off the ground, from my destruction, and gain control over my emotions and my reactions.

So I drug myself out of the barn, distraught and confused. How had such a great moment, become such a devastating place to end up emotionally? Well, I dissected it to the point of damn near boring my Mother to death. But I get it now. I had answered some questions for "society's sake" instead of for the truth in my soul. Which I'm ok with. It needed to stay light, and showcase my abilities instead of my tragedy. And I realized that a lot of those overwhelming feelings inside that barn came from a place of deep gratitude, versus a feeling of failure. I had convinced myself that a second job meant failure. That I wasn't good enough for my talents to carry me through life. Instead, I became deeply thankful for the opportunity to work for such amazing neighbours. This second job, it gives me the ability to financially keep my lifestyle, while still being able to pursue and maintain my passion for working with dogs. It's not a failure, it's a blessing. And past that blessing, it's an opportunity to learn how to handle employees with dignity, respect and compassion. Things I've been shown multiple times already in the short time of my employment with Van Der Gun Dairy. They are the epitome of working your tail off, sticking to your guns and having all that you dreamed of. If you're brave enough.

So I hope to continue learning lessons of kindness, hard work and commitment through not only the dairy world, but also from facing that music. And rocking out to the harmony of my soul. The calling...the mournful yet beautiful call of the wild...the howl in the wind, of the wild canines of this world. Dogs. Always dogs.

Days like today I feel defeated. Worn out. Like everything I worked so hard for, is at the end of its rope. I could lose it at anytime.

We've been told to look for the positive. But it's so hard when life has conditioned us to prepare for the worst. And everywhere I look, it's the negative that's getting attention.

Montreal. Southern Politics. Our politics for that matter. Climate crisis' all over the world.

When are we going to start covering the positive? Why do we have to search into the news ourselves to find the good?

Maybe then it would be easier to stay enlightened and upward looking. So it's days like today that I try to dig deep into my tool box from all the courses and counselling that's I've taken, and remind myself of what is truly important in life. What really, deeply matter to me. Because that's all we have in this life. Ourselves, and our thoughts. It's what makes us human. Our thoughts. And the idea that at the end of the day, we are alone.

The animals don't think this way. They survive only on instinct and pack mentalities. They don't question who their best friend is, and they rarely lose family members. They don't worry about fitting into society, and they don't ever intentionally hurt another's feelings. They simply accept the situation for exactly what it is. They live based around their set of circumstances. They need one another, so "arguments" are quick and never out of spite or ego.

See that's why I want to come back as a raven. Or a wolf. Something spiritually higher than we humans are. My dream has always been to live simply, surrounded by loves ones. But I've been plagued all my life by needless emotions and feelings. For some reason, I seem to experience them more intensely. And react often out of confusion and fear, rather than of pure acceptance and love. My brain kicks in before I have a chance to react from a survival, and best for the pack mentality. And instead, I find myself protecting my own feelings, at whatever cost. A huge cost actually. My friends. My family. My sanity. Saving myself becomes all that matters in the moment.

There's been a large shift in my life. I've had to learn how to make it out there on my own, both emotionally and financially. And what I've come to discover, is that the "only ourselves" conversation, is a lie. We may not need them, but we want others. We convince ourselves we don't, to save our hearts the pain. We tell ourselves that in the end, only we matter. But the truth is, we all matter. And I need to start finding a better way to communicate those feelings.

I've spent the better part of a year alone. Working on myself. Loving myself. I'm lonely now. And I want a family. Maybe that's a family of two, maybe it's a family of five. All I know, is I am ready to incorporate others into my life, and not destroy them this time. I'm ready to stop lying to myself, and admit that I want others. I still maintain we don't need others, but I want them. I want to come home to just that-a home. Not an empty house that I pay taxes on the empty rooms. I want those rooms to be filled with laughter and love. I want disagreements to be present, because it reminds me that I'm not alone. And that that person has feelings, thoughts and emotions all of their own. And that those things are all good. Because it means we are loved back. I want to smile at the frustration, seeing that it means we don't have to struggle alone. I want to laugh at the little things we once thought were big things. And I want to engage in a real, honest relationship.

Screw being alone. I've been there, done it, rocked it. Time to find the connection that blows my mind and changes my world. I'm here. I'm ready. Let's get this done.

Was chatting with a friend and we got to talking about the effects we allow others to have on us. Because that's it, isn't it? People can't bother us, unless we let them. So how do we let them bother us? We figured it was by how much access we allow them in our lives.

The analogy was that our lives were like a series of circles around a core, getting bigger on the outside as we extended our group of those we associated with. This analogy has been around for forever, pertaining to a number of topics and looks like this:

Those we keep in our inner circle are the ones we trust the most. The ones we talk to most often, and whom we share our most intimate moments and thoughts with. They're also the ones who can hurt us the most, but we believe won't. The middle circles are our friends and acquaintances that we still hang out with, chat with...but we maybe don't divulge anything we consider that serious and personal. And as we reach the outer circles, these are the people we just know on the fly. Maybe Facebook friends we've never met, or old friends from whom we've grown away from. Some of them are also people who we once did trust, including family, that we now keep on the farthest reaches of our lives. At an arms length, so to speak.

So when they do or say something that offends, frightens or angers us, they create a ripple in our lives. Those closest to us, create the most waves and we feel the effects of their ripples most strongly because they are close enough that we get splashed onto. But those on the outer limits, have a far less impact. By the time their ripples reach us, it may be enough to rock the boat, but rarely will it tip us over. We can usually sail right through these waves and not give it much thought.

All my life, until recently, I kept everyone on the outer circles. That way, nothing could get to me. But, as I started to find like-minded people, I began to allow people into the closer circles. This created chaos. I wasn't mentally or emotionally strong enough, so handle their waves. They tossed me over board, every single time.

I would react so strongly, that my waves affected everyone around me, even those who kept me on their outer edges.

So I started to help myself. I took course after course. Saw counsellor after counsellor. And slowly, it began to settle. I lost a lot of people overboard along the way, but I kept a couple experts who rode the hell outta the waves like a champion surfer. And I began to find a balance of where to keep people in my life, and how to react...better. Less monsoon like. Less tidal wavey.

This balance has brought around a sense of peace. I'm still working on things, and I know it'll be a work in progress for likely my lifetime, but I'm here. Finding a calm amidst the storm.

Well, today I ride alone in human spirit terms. Just me, the animals and my tree of life. It's fitting because this has become my greatest lesson in living-riding through life alone. Although I am grateful for those still in my life...it hasn't come without great loss. Learning you can't trust everyone, and sometimes those who seem to be your soul mates, friendship or relationship wise, aren't always. Sometimes they're just too kind to let you know that they are quietly slipping out of your life. Maybe they don't even know it themselves yet. But I've finally come to a place where I am ok with this. I'm ok being alone. I don't need people...there are just some that I want. And for now, some of them want me back.
I no longer wish to barter and beg for those whom the Universe says don't align with my soul. I am now searching for the truth seekers...the ones brave enough to stand in their power and proclaim to the world that they are enough. The ones who don't fit in...who will never fit in because we are cut from a new cloth. No, an old cloth. A cloth that revels in the mystery of the night sky, and hears their calling in the trees and on the winds of change. Those whose glory comes from lifting others up, and quietly understands that we are here to give. We are here to love. And we are here to be the change. The ones who are still reading this testimony from a place in me, that sees that same place in you. One who honours nature, and their beliefs, before the beliefs of society. Who is not afraid to stand up alone, for what is right.
I've made A LOT of mistakes on my journey of change. I've hurt people, and destroyed others. I lost everything that was once dear to me, to learn these truths about myself. I've failed so many times at life, and relationships...all so I could learn the lessons I needed to in order to stand in my own power and no longer deny the side of me that wants to howl at the moon and race the rivers. Who walks barefoot through the forest, just to feel alive again.
One day I will find not the other half, because no, I am whole. But the one who compliments my need for all things wild and free. The one who will sit in a tree with me, and dance in the rain. Who hears the song in my heart, and knows all the words, because it's the song in their heart too.

I took another walk in nature today and I asked for answers in the trees. I sat, barefoot, and listened. Nothing. Ok. Let's try again. I began to meditate. Still nothing. Nothing but my horse constantly nudging at me to get going. He'd nibble my hoodie and butt his head into me. I took and deep breath and all at once it hit me. Message received! That was it, I was finally enough. Riding my horse through the trees and listening to my inner monologue was more than enough. I had it all within myself to know exactly who I was, and why I was here. And that it's ok to be content. It's ok to take a break from pushing myself to be kinder, happier, more giving...it was ok to just be Me for awhile.

It's ok to like dogs a little too much. It's ok to ride my horse everyday and walk around the forest barefoot. It's ok to stop and literally smell the flowers. And it's ok to connect with nature, more than humans. It's ok to stop hunting with a gun, but still want to hunt with a bow. It's ok to believe in magic, and bring that into my canine training. It's ok to like wine on Wednesdays and to sleep in on Mondays.

It's ok to have fits of anxiety that feel like everything might be like it once was...and to breathe through those moments until I can stand on my feet again. It's ok to lose friends...and not miss them. It's also ok to miss them so much it hurts. To have to let go of them day, after day, after day.

I kept riding and I kept finding out just how much I love where I'm at. It doesn't look perfect, it doesn't sound like a dream life...but it's mine. And I'm happy. I'm content.

I've made so many mistakes in life that I thought for a long time that I was put here to learn about struggle. That I was never going to be "just right", for anyone. I figured "one day" I would learn to get it right. It turns out that I was put here to learn patience. And to learn about love and trust. And that I always had those things within. That my purpose was the spread this love, through animals.

So maybe more than discovering that I'm "finally" enough...was truly understanding that I always was.

That part of me, personally, is trust. It's been an up hill battle to find a trust in people again. My love, is very much conditional. This is something I have come to acknowledge, so that I may begin to change it. Loyalty and integrity are two things I hold onto firmly. And when I don't see it in another, they get pushed away quickly and without hesitation. It's something I want to change, but the process has been hard and lengthy.

I never realized how much trauma can affect nearly all aspects of your life, until I started my "road to recovery". I also never realized that road could take so long to get down. That I'd lose valuable people along the way, and that I would need to do much more stripping down to find the person I know I can be. To love, unconditionally.

This is often how I feel. Like that little red bird, I'm too afraid to fit in, and not yet brave enough to stand out. So I hover on the edge of society. I can't join the group, I don't "people" well anymore. This whole experience of dealing with my childhood abuse has been an uphill struggle to release all my hurt, yet control my reactions. Reactions based on habit. Those reactions became amplified this least year as I transitioned into independence and learning to be alone. Detaching myself from many relationships that no longer served me (or them to be honest), became fireballs of emotion that not only released me from their grips, but also burned the bridge right to the ground.

I'm hurting. And the reaction to this hurt has caused more hurt. It's also caused an intentional isolation. An arms length approach to everything now. It's a self preservation thing for now, so that I don't continue to hurt others while I heal.

I had this preconceived notion that healing would be easy and graceful. That it would make things work for me in life. But healing hurts. It tears your heart in half, and forces you to stitch it back together with your own inner strength. Now that I've been able to reach a place where I can hold the needle and stitch myself, it's becoming easier to control the reactions. To form a new habit.

So what does this have to do with dogs? They've saved me from myself more times than I can recall. They've kept me firmly planted on this earth, and they've never left. They are my constant. My lifeline.

I've tried to look back at all the dogs I've had the opportunity to rehabilitate...and I'm starting there with myself. With patience, yet a firmness. With love, understanding and forgiveness. That's what I gave all those dogs, and that's what I have to learn to start giving myself.

I believe this as much about dogs, as I do horses. There's something about connecting with a once wild, instinctual being, that rustles the soul. Makes it stir.

It's that stirring of the soul that creates a passion. Something that can't be tamed, all the while somehow instrumentally guiding you down a path that is all yours. Perhaps the path less travelled? Or maybe it sends you swiftly along the winds, no need for a compass. Your heart will take you exactly where it needs to go.

Combining the experience with nature, creates an explosion. A firework of your own creating. Splashing the colours of your heart onto the world, just hoping to leave a lingering impression. A moment. The moment. When you know that you'll never forget the place that you're in, or how you got there. You've created a lasting moment. Something that changes who you are, and how you see the world. You build a connection. A direct line from you, to the natural world. A place that doesn't understand you, but doesn't need to. A place that doesn't judge you, because it has no reason to. A place where survival, and in-the-moment are all that exist.

It's a place where you can learn all there is to learn about life, if you pay attention. If you look, listen, and feel everything around you.

I've personally decided to honour this place within myself, and the world, the best I can from this day til the last day. I have picked a sitting spot. A place where I will do exactly that, sit. Breathe. Learn. And hopefully make a few more friends in nature...

There comes a time when you realize it's them, not you. That no matter how hard you try, they just weren't meant for you. Dogs, people, places, things...they all fit into one of two categories: "meant to be" or "not meant to be".

For as long as I can remember I have been the "black sheep" of the family. Not in a horrifying sense of outcasted and rejected, but more aptly in a much more painful way of feeling self segregated and misunderstood. I think this was from the pressure I put on myself to stay seen. Stay relevant. All while not attracting too much attention to be judged or ridiculed. For many years I thought I had to do what the rest of them did. Finish school, finish college, get married, have 2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence in the suburbs. Today when I look at my life, it's not even close. High school and college completed, but that's where my similarities stop. The thought of having kids terrifies me. I like my freedom, I love my independence. I have 2.5 dogs instead. Plus a few horses and cats, and we'll officially call it the country life. Barbed wire has replaced the idea of white pickets, and the suburb doesn't want me! I talk to nature, and I burn sage. I'm a hippy, mixed with a few parts redneck. And the hell with black, I'm all kinds of shades of awesome, blended in with a few scars and bruises that prove the road can get awfully rough on your own out there.

The path I have taken isn't always easy. I hurt people's feelings, I stand maybe too strongly to my convictions...and I call a spade a spade. Don't light the match if you can't take the heat, so to speak. I've been accused of being too honest, and my mouth often has a mind of its own. But if there's one thing you can always rely on, it's gonna be a fun ride! I don't fit in your box, I truly do have an armoured heart, and that psychedelic sheep and I are starting to find the others...

The Brave. The Weird. The Different. The Awesome.

So if you're a little like me, don't turn around because the path gets narrow or moss covered. Trust that the rest of us are right around that corner. Waiting. Wishing you were here with us. Longing for your wisdom, and your light. Don't be afraid to crush that box...peel back a layer of armour and dance with us under the stars!

Welcome to the herd. Where we all have different stripes, spots and patterns. But we all flow to the same rhythm of our souls.