Learning how to Love

That part of me, personally, is trust. It's been an up hill battle to find a trust in people again. My love, is very much conditional. This is something I have come to acknowledge, so that I may begin to change it. Loyalty and integrity are two things I hold onto firmly. And when I don't see it in another, they get pushed away quickly and without hesitation. It's something I want to change, but the process has been hard and lengthy.

I never realized how much trauma can affect nearly all aspects of your life, until I started my "road to recovery". I also never realized that road could take so long to get down. That I'd lose valuable people along the way, and that I would need to do much more stripping down to find the person I know I can be. To love, unconditionally.

This is often how I feel. Like that little red bird, I'm too afraid to fit in, and not yet brave enough to stand out. So I hover on the edge of society. I can't join the group, I don't "people" well anymore. This whole experience of dealing with my childhood abuse has been an uphill struggle to release all my hurt, yet control my reactions. Reactions based on habit. Those reactions became amplified this least year as I transitioned into independence and learning to be alone. Detaching myself from many relationships that no longer served me (or them to be honest), became fireballs of emotion that not only released me from their grips, but also burned the bridge right to the ground.

I'm hurting. And the reaction to this hurt has caused more hurt. It's also caused an intentional isolation. An arms length approach to everything now. It's a self preservation thing for now, so that I don't continue to hurt others while I heal.

I had this preconceived notion that healing would be easy and graceful. That it would make things work for me in life. But healing hurts. It tears your heart in half, and forces you to stitch it back together with your own inner strength. Now that I've been able to reach a place where I can hold the needle and stitch myself, it's becoming easier to control the reactions. To form a new habit.

So what does this have to do with dogs? They've saved me from myself more times than I can recall. They've kept me firmly planted on this earth, and they've never left. They are my constant. My lifeline.

I've tried to look back at all the dogs I've had the opportunity to rehabilitate...and I'm starting there with myself. With patience, yet a firmness. With love, understanding and forgiveness. That's what I gave all those dogs, and that's what I have to learn to start giving myself.