It's VALENTINES!

This was taken a lot of years ago, just before things got really bad. And the last few weeks have really been a time of reflection for me on how truly far I've come with my healing, and how balanced it feels now, compared to then...

This last year has been especially rewarding, but has also really challenged my new way of being. Making sure things have stuck. I love the Universe that way, always challenging...yet always providing. Having us rise up, so that we can learn over and over that we are enough, and we all have everything we need inside of us to be happy, healthy, calm and resilient.

From rodeo chaos, that brought a level of bonding I wasn't sure I could trust myself to ever find again. For finding love, receiving love...and for giving love.

To really upping the anti in the dog world with our visions of combining mind, body and soul. Taking the ego out, and bringing the passion back in.

To working hard, finding the ultimate guide of how you treat employees, and discovering meanings through cattle you didn't know were possible.

To honouring a best friend, and finding him comfort and grace in his last years. All our friends deserve to be taken care of.

To taking back my life in the Dominican. Finding the courage to take a leap outside that comfort zone, and having the absolute time of my life.

So...to those of you who constantly harass me that everything happens for a reason...I begrudgingly say to you: you are right.


Sorta.


This guy, the guy at the top...he was my One. He is my One. He broke me. But he also broke me open. And that's the difference between something that just is, and something that just is meant to be.


The reason he happened...was so that he could take my shit, until I could handle the pile myself. He happened so that I could finally face all the shame, guilt, sadness, trauma and hurt that was built up from years of repression. Repression that expressed itself as anger, frustration, anxiety, confusion and chaos...total and complete chaos. He happened to show me the way to myself.

The only piece that still hurts, is the ego. The idea that he meant so much to me, and I, have likely already been forgotten, and replaced. The thought that while he was my Romeo, I was not his Juliette. Feeling such a strong, powerful, spiritual connection forming. The willingness to break...and grow together. All that not being reciprocated, is what still hurts. HOWEVER!

The counselling, the courses, the medication, choices, hypnotherapy...yoga, horses and nature...

All of these were just a path in the overall journey. It was one of those fucked up paths were you thought you knew where you were going, but NOPE! Here's a cliff. Now here's some scattered tools, a lifeline and a calendar year to figure it out before you die...seriously. That's what it felt like.


So you grab those tools and you swing wildly until something starts to make sense. And you reach out to the lifeline, and they hold your gaze until it's over. Then you take four years and 37 days to figure it out, because we all heal on our own time...and don't you ever forget that.

So once you claw yourself back to the beaten trail, you take a deep breath and you take stock. You realize you've lost a lot of lifelines, and maybe you were only given that one for another reason. A reason this story isn't about. A whole separate story of its own that you will make sure to acknowledge later...so there's far fewer lifelines, but up ahead you see a tribe. You feel like you belong again. For now. And you deeply understand this reason, season and lifetime concept.

So now you're starting to rise up from the ashes. You're grateful for those of your past playing their part in your story. And while you only miss One, you start to really find a peace with the grief...with the loss. You finally understand "The Raven".

And so I give you this. You were only sorta right because it's what we choose to do with all these moments that really makes the difference. Do we make the commitment to do better, be better...know better. Or do we give up on life and cease to carry on? It's the choices we make with the circumstances that we are given...that make or break you.


My advice? For what it's worth, from my experiences alone...Losing your way, is not the same as giving up. Make note of that. You are allowed to crumble, collapse, fall and skin your knees. Just get back up. Let the anger, frustration, confusion, shame, guilt and trauma be felt. Let it have its moment in your existence. Just don't let the anger, frustration, confusion, shame, guilt and trauma define you. Or your lifetime.


Feel the hurt. Lose your mind. Then take back your life. Hold your head up. Forgive yourself. Continue to be better. Every day.

I've chosen to remain single for two years now because I absolutely refuse to settle. I've also needed the time to relax, rebalance and practice. Lots of practice. While my "the One 2.0" is finding my soul, as is mine his, I will continue to love, forgive, laugh, enjoy and embrace. Sometimes I'll slip, and other times I'll find my grace. But always, I'll do all with only the best of intentions. I'll serve others and also remember to serve myself.


With only peace and love, I hope you have found the greatest relationship in yourself.


Happy Love Day 💜🔮


What a year 🙃